My encounter with the stage....

As a kid I was very good on stage but I don’ t know since my upper primary days,
I started developing a huge fear for the stage and the crowd. I was not a silent
character, was not dumb for sure. In fact I was always considered as one of the most
talkative and notorious child by most of my teachers. Teachers used to change
my place on a weekly basis just to stop me from talking. But, when it comes to stage
I was all scared and all frozen. I should thank this amazing bunch of friends like
Dhaneesh and Nirmal for always encouraging me and helping me improve up to a
far great extend and also thanks to Nandan sir, for always being there as my mentor,
friend, philosopher and guide.

The reason why I remembered them was because, I actually realised that I started
improving day by day with regards to my attitude, approach, behaviour and
performance after being with them. A child needs to be exposed to the crowd right
from the beginning so that this Phobia for stage and crowd is cured right from the
beginning. when you ask a child to recite a poem or tell them to narrate a story in front of others,you are actually training them to face the crowd. Parents, friends and relatives are the
first audience who helps a child gain confidence on his abilities and talent right from
the beginning. I was very unfortunate in this case. I, as a child was more in to micro
groups who loved to read books, talk about cars and video games, movies and trends.
I was never selected as a class monitor; I never participated in any competitions and
was never exposed to stage.

I was always accused of being a day dreamer (which I still proudly continues to be…)
My parents or none of my elders for that matter tried to understand where exactly
my talent lies and may be that is the reason why they never tried to understand my
thoughts and my dreams. I was always told that there is a huge difference between
the dreams and the ultimate reality. I was told that life is all about sufferings and
struggle and I was asked to prepare myself for this war called ‘ life’ right from the
beginning. I was a dumb in mathematics and I was told that people who can’ t solve
mathematical problems will die of starvation. I was told that sports, music, movies,
are just good as pastime and not a career option. I was told that you need to join an
office, a place where all people must go, once done with the academic life and, life
is all about living like all others that you see around.

I always thought that I will write about all this only after the day when I become
successful in life, that too after choosing what I want to do. But, now even though I
am nowhere, I somehow realise that whatever I feel, whatever I think and whatever I
write has some content in it.

I had this huge passion for music since my childhood days and I was trained in basics
of Carnatic under Vishwam Sir from my native. I was well versed in swara sthanas
(notations) as that is what I was doing for 2 years before I could reach Geetham and
Varnam. I left my music class when I reached up to Varnam. May be I was too young
and restless to start Varnam at the age of nine.

I reached Mumbai and it took for about a year and half for me to learn new languages
and make new friends. The entire atmosphere and ambience around me changed and
so were my priorities. I started spending hours discussing about my childhood and my
life in Kerala to my best buddies. Initial years in Mumbai were very difficult as I had
to completely transform myself according to this urban cult and atmosphere.

I forgot that I was good in music and I was interested in literatures and languages. I
joined Vivek college and that is where I got friends like Dhaneesh and Nirmal who brought back
that ignition in me after so many years. I was travelling back to goodness and I was
in the right direction. They heard me sing and wanted me to participate in the music
competition. I was scared and nervous.

I went to the classroom where the competition was going on and at last my name was
called. All of my dear friends who were present there to hear me sing started cheering
for me when I was on stage. I saw the audience and judges looking at me and waiting
for me to start. I started with my song and my heart started beating faster. I started sweating and my legs started shivering out of fear. I lost my pitch and
the rhythm. I didn’ t see or rather I was too scared to look at the audience and their
reactions. I felt restless and I forgot my lyrics. I couldn’ t even complete the first para
and I was all lost.

But, this gave me a confidence that I was not bad and was better than many others.
The point what I am trying to make here is not about my talent in singing but the
importance of exposure at the right age, right time and right place. It took another
five to ten stage performances for me to regain my confidence that was lost long back
somewhere. Whenever I see others perform I realise that I am still miles away from
reaching that point. I am still considered as one of the very shy, reserved and average
performer in my group which is true up to a great extend.

Whenever I had to give any presentation or whenever I was told to speak in public
these experiences helped me perform much better than other competitors. But
I regret of not having started early, or rather not being able to start at early stage. As
people say “ its never too late…”

My emotions.....

You can call them your strength, your weakness, a boon or a curse… the fact remains that we all are emotional. Emotional doesn’t mean if you cry every now and then, it doesn’t mean if you are a poet, a lover or a dreamer. It doesn’t start from happiness and ends at sadness. It is not just the madness that we all show for movies, cricket or music… It is not just a passion that you carry for your favorite subjects or even social networking for that matter… It is a beautiful mixture of all of the above… People trying to behave as if they are emotion-resistant, are the most emotional creatures and, this fact is something which scares them and helps them maintain that stand.

There is this belief that emotions are only meant for girls. When I am extremely sad, I wish if I could just cry aloud and scream like a kid. But people say boys aren’t supposed to cry. Girls are very fortunate in this case as they can just cry and flush off their negative emotions. Boys carry this baggage and always suffer from restless nights to poor performance at work place. I feel it’s good to be emotional…

A beautiful fragrance, may be your favorite one, can change the feel of that entire ambience. Music, any person’s presence, or even absence, a bad news in between an occasion, can change that entire joyful ambience to a tragic, dull and worst one!!! Have you ever thought when the places are the same, people are the same, it’s your own emotion that is changing.

From the anger and revenge that you possess for your lover who ditched you, a boss who fired you, a rickshaw Wala who denied you, all those posts that we make on social networking sites about our day to day life, or anything that happens in and around you, the root cause for everything are emotions!!! So how can you…. Or rather why do we want to say and prove that we are not emotional???

Being a customer care executive I was trained on how deal with an irate customer’s emotions and, what all it takes to bring him back, to make them stay with us. One of the most difficult tasks to handle is human emotions and same is the case in case of personal relations as well. All of us are emotional beings and it is just that connectivity, that rhythm which makes us or breaks us.

I am emotional and I am very proud about this fact. Emotions are like a tool or a weapon which should be used very tactfully and very carefully as this can change your relations within seconds. I am not a saint. It’s just that I have recently started realizing its significance and vital role in our life. No matter whether it’s a personal or professional relation that you maintain, emotions play a very crucial role in deciding upon its existence, and also its future.

In case of a relation, it becomes beautiful if you know to play with your spouse’s emotions… your mom’s emotions and vice versa. It is said that a person who is very close to you can communicate with you without any instrument. They will get to know when you think about them. Your mind will send out the vibes to that person’s mind and that is how you get to see the person’s name flashing on your mobile phone the very next moment you think about them, ‘Telepathy’ in simple term. The person who is close to you can make out what’s going on inside your mind even without you having said that. This link, this connectivity is something which cannot be created artificially. This rhythm is what I call as love. Whenever you lose this connectivity, this rhythm is lost and you are hurt. And when you’re hurt, it again will have its repercussions!!! And this is the most ironical part. You need to play with other’s emotions in order to maintain a healthy and stable relation. Also should keep a vigil and focus on your rhythm and connectivity.

I have seen that I can’t write a single sentence when I am normal and everything around me is going well. Creativity comes out either when you’re extremely sad, traumatized and isolated or when you’re extremely happy, ecstatic and thrilled. Some people use their emotions to create music, some write, some post it on facebook wall while others cry, some people dance while some go alcoholic.

It’s like a dynamo. The energy that is created out of these human emotions are very powerful and can be very productive and creative if routed properly or it is the most dangerous weapon for self-destruction.